Debbie and Laurie were very close friends, and as such, they supported each other in the ups and downs of life.
When Debbie’s ten-year-old daughter was tragically killed in an accident, Laurie rose to the challenge.
She provided the emotional support her dear friend needed.
Being there for Debbie became Laurie’s focus for a season, and understandably so. But something subtle happened inside her during that time.
Something that wasn’t good for her heart.
You see, every time she faced something difficult, Laurie found herself comparing her suffering to Debbie’s.
And her pain fell short.
Have you ever found yourself in that comparison trap? Your boyfriend breaks up with you, but you tell yourself, Compared to my friend’s divorce, this isn’t that bad.
Or you are miserable with chronic pain, but you tell yourself, My cousin has cancer and has to go through chemo. Compared to his situation, this isn’t that serious.
Or you have a painful argument with your teenager and you feel a wall between you, but you tell yourself, My neighbor’s kid got into drugs and ran away. Compared to that, this issue isn’t that difficult.
On the surface, this response might look pretty spiritual.
It seems to demonstrate a self-effacing attitude that looks like humility — or perhaps a bootstrapping attitude that masquerades as faith. But did you know the Bible doesn’t affirm this comparison game we tend to play?
“Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.” says Proverbs 14:10.
In other words, it’s all apples and oranges. God doesn’t measure your pain in comparison to someone else’s. What matters to him is that you are hurting — and he cares.
God doesn’t minimize our pain. He never has been one to grade on a curve. In his eyes, your suffering matters. He doesn’t measure it next to the pain of another.
Instead, he suffers with you, comforts you, strengthens you, and brings you through your trial as you turn to him.
Denial, minimizing and comparing get in the way of what God wants to do for us.
Does this surprise you? Have you been downplaying whatever you are going through because you think the suffering of others is more significant than yours?
God is a very personal God. He doesn’t treat us like a lazy, uncaring human dad who lumps all his kids into a group and doesn’t treat them fairly as individuals.
He’s just. He’s kind. We can trust him to measure things correctly.
So if your girlfriend dumped you, or you got the flu, or your daughter hurt your feelings, he cares. He isn’t using some kind of percentage chart to see if your pain is worthy of healing.
Laurie finally realized that her comparison habit was not helping either herself or Debbie. She sensed God saying to her, “Will you please stop this?”
She listened, and stopped treating her own trials as unworthy of God’s care or comfort. Maybe that’s your next step, too.
Let’s treat the apples as apples, and stop measuring them against the oranges.
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“Let’s treat the apples as apples, and stop measuring them against the oranges.”
Excellent summary. Thank you for writing this Susanne, this is an important message that people need to hear.
Thanks, Jesse. False guilt can cause us to forget!
So true! How important to have the same compassion we have for others for ourselves, too! I love you pointing the subtleties out:)
Hmmm…I’ll reflect on a Part 2! So true that we think we are doing the right thing by trying to keep perspective. We just need to be careful not to minimize our feelings, which are valid just as they are.
Wow! This was truly an original insight and a refreshing devotional. I am totally guilty of this. And I thought I was doing the right thing! Not to earn any spiritual brownie points, but in order to keep my pain and issues in perspective. I’d be interested in a “Part II” installment, because I do believe remembering those whose suffering is worse imparts gratitude in our hearts. I’d love an elaboration on this, Susanne!
Great post, Susanne! My husband and I were discussing something similar the other day – the danger of saying ”it could be worse.” By comparing our situation to others’ (who are going through ”worse”), we are saying that our joy is circumstancial and that our contentment results from others’ misery. We need to have our joy in the Lord only and give thanks NOW.
Absolutely, Kristyn. Amen to joy!
It works the other way around as well. I tend to compare my suffering to that of others by saying to myself ‘if they only knew how serious my troubles are’. When a mother talks about her teenager having trouble finishing high school or getting low grades, and another mother suffers in secret holding on to the fear that her child is going to die or end up in jail because of drugs. This shows we don’t trust God, and want to appear as the victim in all this.
Very good post! I love the verse you shared. I haven’t thought about it this way before. But downplaying our pain in God’s eyes leads to self-reliance rather than relying on him — an “I got this one, God” attitude instead of an “I need you, God” attitude.
You’re right, Danita, it’s not a good attitude!
I have definitely played the pain comparison game and lost. This jumped out at me…”It seems to demonstrate a self-effacing attitude that looks like humility — or perhaps a bootstrapping attitude that masquerades as faith.” Your descriptions in this post were very helpful in opening my eyes to the truth of God’s view of pain and God’s heart to comfort.
Love that a particular sentence jumped out. That always helps the point stick for me. 🙂
Thank you for the reminder. I have done this many times until I realized how everyone’s troubles are relative. God doesn’t give us more than we can each bear. He is there for each one of us.
We can’t use others’ suffering to measure our own, and yes, God is there for each one personally. I love that.
This is great Suzanne!! And so true!! I have never thought of it like this! I do that all the time.
I’ve certainly been guilty, too, Faith!