For my fellow Charismatics, here’s a bit of satire meant for our good. (Please do the opposite of these points!)
Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash
1. Ignore Scripture’s warnings about deception.
Yes, Jesus tells us to watch out that we’re not deceived (Luke 21:8), Paul warns about deceivers (2 Tim. 3:13), and many more Scriptures offer the same warning. But you’re a sincere, godly believer, so why would God let you be deceived?
Such passages probably don’t apply to you.
2. Offer undying loyalty to your favorite teacher(s).
If you like their theology, their style, and/or they’ve done signs and wonders that amaze you, go ahead and trust everything your favorite teachers say.
It’s much easier to outsource your discernment than exercise it yourself.
After all, these leaders have a massive ministry, so God must be blessing them, right?
Also, if a teacher or prophet often preaches on giving and then lives lavishly at your expense, don’t worry about the Scripture passages describing sins which disqualify leaders (love of money, boasting, flattery, etc. – see 1 Tim. 3:3; 1 Tim. 6:10; Jude 16). Earthly riches and humble brags are signs of blessing, not character flaws.
Plus, by following your favorites, maybe you can become as obscenely wealthy as they are.
3. Don’t receive anything negative.
All prophetic words, as well as conversations, should be upbeat, positive and happy. Warnings, rebuke, and correction don’t feel good, so they must be from the devil.
When someone publicly reports a leader who is abusing people in his spiritual care, don’t believe that negative report. Instead, accuse the person who is doing the sin-exposure of bitterness, slander, or having a spirit of accusation.
Sure, Ephesians 5:11 tells us,
“Have nothing to do with fruitless deeds of darkness and expose them,”
but I mean, to protect the church’s reputation, shouldn’t we be full of grace toward the abuser, restore him, and get those bothersome victims to be quiet, like Jesus would?
4. Practice “group think.”
Agree with what you’ve been taught and what everyone around you believes. Don’t question things, as this could lead to critical thinking, which would open a whole Pandora’s box of who-knows-what.
Avoid conversations with people whose ideas don’t align with yours. Surround yourself by other Christians who think and talk just like you. Inside your echo chamber, you’re safe from the danger of changing your mind on stuff you’ve always felt sure about.
Why expend a bunch of mental effort or risk a sense of uncertainty? After all, it’s not like renewing your mind has anything to do with changing it now and then (Rom. 12:2).
Reminder: we’re still doing satire here.
5. Think of other people as ministry projects.
If you do get into conversations with others who don’t know all the things you do, remember, you are the one qualified to help them, not the other way around. Instruct them and try to get them to see things your way (the correct way).
This is a win-win, because they need your help, and you get to feel important as you straighten them out. Don’t slip into thinking you could learn something from others with differing views. That kind of humility and open-mindedness could undermine your rightness.
6. “Back up” your beliefs with the Bible.
Start with what you believe on a topic, then find verses to prove your point. Don’t make the mistake of coming to the Word with an open mind and humble heart, letting the text teach you. That kind of approach could upset the apple cart of your belief system!
Also, choose a translation based on your preferences, not on tried-and-true principles of Bible translating. How does the version sound? Is it filled with verbiage that feels good and agrees with your theology? Then that’s the translation for you.
Don’t worry about little details like how many scholars worked on it, what qualifications they have, who is on their review board, and so on. If there was only one translator, and he lacks knowledge and skill in Hebrew, Greek and Aramaic, but he got the manuscript magically downloaded from Jesus, well, that’s all you need to know.
7. Prioritize prophetic words above the Bible.
You need that “word for the year,” that grandiose promise, that next emotional high more than you need to get to know God through his written Word. It’s just more exciting and validating to get a prophetic word—especially from a big-name prophet—than it is to spend time reading, studying the Bible, and praying.
Who knows, if you saturate yourself with words from well-known prophets with big platforms, you, too, might be able to predict the next election, which is the whole point of prophecy!
8. Trust all angelic visitations and visions as 100% legit.
It’s true there are those pesky passages about an angel preaching a different gospel (Gal. 1:8) and Satan disguising himself as an angel of light (2 Cor. 11:14), but let’s not get too carried away. Angels are so cool! If you see one, you should definitely believe whatever it tells you.
Also, I realize Paul only visited heaven once, and even then, he wasn’t allowed to talk about it (2 Cor. 12:1-5), but come on. It’s your right as a believer to visit heaven anytime you want.
I know some might say all of this sounds dangerously similar to Mormonism, but don’t worry, it’s not the same. It’s totally different.
Again, just to be clear, I’m using sarcasm to make a point.
Oh, sisters and brothers—let’s be much less gullible and much more discerning.
God help us.
