“He spent some time in jail,” the young wife explained about her husband. “But I told him if he learned something from that, then jail was an education.”
Another woman said regarding her son, “Oh, you know how they all have to do their jail time.”
Really? People have to go to jail to gain a handle on life? Let’s broaden this a bit. It’s not just about jail.
It’s the notion that we have to do stupid things and learn the hard way in order to figure out how to live.
There are problems with this kind of thinking:
- First, we don’t have enough time to learn everything the hard way. One lifetime doesn’t offer enough opportunities for us to get smart by “learning a lesson” every time we face a choice.
- Second, the consequences of bad choices take up valuable time and energy, derailing us from the better path we could have taken.
- Third, the more we get derailed, the more confused we get, and the less apt we are to make a wise decision in the future.
Human beings don’t function like animals. Psychologist John Rosemond unpacks this in Parenting by the Book.
If we were the same as animals, he explains, behavior modification would work on us. It does not.
That’s because animals don’t have a sin nature.
An animal makes choices based on a negative consequence or a reward. Human beings wrestle with, I know what will happen if I do this, but I’m going to do it anyway.
It’s the dilemma Paul tackles in Romans:
“For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.” — Romans 7:18-19
We have this urge to do the wrong thing, even when we know better. We give in to our own pride and self-sufficiency over obeying God, even when we want to follow him.
But here’s what happens when we disobey: we lose clarity.
When our three boys were ages five and under, a single man in our home church confronted us about the behavior of our oldest. He told us that the couple in whose home we were meeting was unhappy about how Danny was not following their rules.
He went on to suggest some curriculum on parenting, so we could up our game. Needless to say, we were hurt and offended. Hecame to us instead of the couple talking to us directly. He was single and didn’t have kids, yet was telling us how we should raise ours.
We had all kinds of excuses to blow off what he was saying — but somehow, by the grace of God, we listened.
It was painful to admit it, but we could see the need for a change in our parenting. So we looked for help and resources. We changed our methods. We learned to set better boundaries for our kids.
This all turned out for the benefit of our whole family — but things could have looked different.
If we had disregarded what this brother said, I suspect we would be looking back at our child-rearing years with, Where did we go wrong? And I doubt we would be able to figure it out.
As it is, we can look back and see where the turning point was in that season.
Obedience brings clarity.
How has this happened in your life?
To comment, click on title.
I love this, thanks so much Susanne! I have often heard the phrase “I’ve got to figure things out for myself” and for some reason it really aggravated me. Like your own boys I had parents that often encouraged me to learn from the mistakes they made instead of making the same ones myself. It is fascinating to me that we as humans can look around us at the lives of others, recognize the mistakes in someone else’s life, and for some reason think that if we do the same thing we will reap different results. Thanks for the challenge!
You’re so welcome, Ryan! Human nature is a crazy thing. You would think that rational beings would be more rational, but that pesky sin nature gets us every time. Glad you enjoyed this!
Hi Suzanne… another wise and helpful post! I agree… it is sometimes painful for us a parents to be guided towards another more balanced view and outcome… but it’s always wise to weigh the consequences and be open to instruction.
Ironically my son did go to jail… I wished he had learned another way. He appears to have changed his ways, and I’m praying that he has learned that to abandon his faith and his traditions and follow the voices of those around him with greedy evil agenda… will only bring him grief. A parent can only hope… and leave the outcome with their prayers.
It’s not easy… but we are stewards over our children… they are not really ours… sometimes things happen that are out of our control. Especially when they are adults.. that is very difficult to give up to the Lord… but He has promised He will not abandon us.. or them.
Cheers to you
How very painful, Adeline. You are so right … they are really God’s, not ours. But I believe our prayers as parents are very powerful. I will agree with you in prayer that your son finds the path of wisdom and that this becomes his default from now on.