Q: What’s worse than facing day after week after month after year of poor health, with no answer in sight?
A: Having your church friends tell you,
“The reason you’re not healed yet is because you don’t have enough faith.”
Has anyone ever said as much to you? Or, have you heard those words come spilling out of your own mouth?
The place of faith in healing is a subject worthy of a separate post, but for now, let’s acknowledge most of us have been guilty of insensitivity toward those with long-term health problems.
We act like Job’s comforters, offering theological answers instead of offering ourselves.
We mean well. We want our friend or loved one to feel better, look on the bright side, be the person we used to know.
Unfortunately, our bumbling attempts can make things worse for them.
Remember Thumper, the rabbit in “Bambi?” His mother gave the great advice, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothin’ at all.”
So here are four more things NOT to say to your chronically-ill friend.
2. “At least it’s not terminal.”
According to Dr. Brene Brown, shame researcher and author of The Gifts of Imperfection, it’s never a good idea to offer comfort that begins with, “At least...”
It’s just not helpful to tell a person facing the long, difficult, lonely road of chronic illness that at least they aren’t dying.
Not helpful at all.
Or, have you heard this one?
3. “God never gives us more than we can handle. He must know you’re strong enough for this.”
This statement is not only annoying; it can’t be supported by Scripture.
God will not to allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear (1 Corinthians 10:13). He didn’t say that about our trials!
Consider what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 1:8-9, “We do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself.”
Did you catch the “utterly burdened beyond our strength” part?
If the apostle Paul wasn’t strong enough for his afflictions, I’m pretty sure your friend isn’t, either!
The point isn’t her strength. The point is God’s strength extended to her — perhaps through you — to endure this hardship.
And then there’s:
4. “Well, Romans 8:28 says God works all things together for good for those that love him, you know.”
Indeed he does. However, we are quick to over-use this verse as a pithy platitude and a substitute for the willingness to enter into our friend’s suffering.
Let’s be careful not to make the truth a burden. You don’t want to cause your friend to feel spiritually inferior in addition to feeling sick.
Last but not least, there’s:
5. “I know someone who had those symptoms. They used (name your cure) and got better. You should try that!”
Trust me, your friend has likely seen numerous specialists and tried a gazillion remedies and done whatever they can. Please don’t assume you know what’s best for them, and be very careful about offering advice.
The hard truth? It’s unlikely that you have the magic bullet.
Let’s not burden our suffering friends with trying yet another health remedy or putting on a cheerful face for our sake. They are already exhausted physically and emotionally.
Next time, we’ll examine how to be a blessing to a friend with health issues.
In the meantime, here’s Dr. Brown’s excellent video on empathy.
Have you made any of these five mistakes, or been the brunt of them?
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