You know that awkward moment when you realize you’ve done something that hurt another person, but you really want to save face?
We’ve all been there. It’s humbling and downright painful to take the blame and ask the other person to forgive us, isn’t it? I mean, it makes us look bad. It makes us feel bad about ourselves.
Sounds like low self-esteem to me, and we can’t be having any of that, now, can we?
Not to worry: In light of our dilemma, I’ve developed a strategy. You may be familiar with some of these already, or you may even have others that could be added to the list.
Next time you find yourself in an embarrassing situation and you know it’s at least partly your fault, here’s how you can make sure you escape without the humiliation of admitting you are wrong:
- When the other person tells you they felt hurt by your actions, say “I’m sorry you felt that way.” This is brilliant blame-shifting. You just said the words “I’m sorry” without actually being sorry for what you did!
- Explain to the other person that you didn’t mean to hurt them. Make it all about intention. That way, the other person’s feelings are the problem rather than your actions.
- Along the same line, say, “Oh, you don’t have to take it that way. Maybe you’re just a little too sensitive.” This solidifies that the problem is them, not you.
Those are some great ways to shift the focus from you as the offender to the offended person. Another strategy is to apologize without really apologizing:
- Say “I’m sorry” out of obligation, but stop there. Be careful not to put your soul on the line by allowing feelings of regret for your actions or empathy for the other person. Just fulfill the duty and walk away.
- Say, “I apologize.” Again, this is a proper thing to say and will allow you to escape the discomfort of actually asking the other person to forgive you.
- Don’t ask questions; just make statements. Questions are dangerous. You might end up asking the other person for forgiveness, which is an admission that you were wrong. Careful!
Well, hopefully you’ve enjoyed this little tongue-in-cheek romp about apologizing. I’m guessing you and I both have been guilty of this behavior.
Truth is, for the Christian, humility is an extremely important virtue and a huge part of love. And as the root of pretty much all sin, pride is our enemy.
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you.” — 1 Peter 5:6
Even though we are heavily influenced by a culture in which everyone is a pop psychologist and everything is all about our feelings, we must follow the low and painful path of humility if we want to be like Jesus.
Nothing builds bridges and restores relationships like humility.
By God’s grace, Scott and I learned early on as young marrieds, then young parents, to gently and sincerely say, “I was wrong when I (said or did whatever). Will you please forgive me?”
This simple action has done incredible things for our family. It has healed wounded spirits. It has built trust and security. It has kicked pride in the rear.
More recently, I’ve discovered an excellent resource on how to truly and sincerely apologize: When Sorry Isn’t Enough, by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas.
Learning to apologize well will not protect your pride. It won’t help you save face.
But it will radically change your relationships — and that’s a good thing.
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