Ever observe Those Parents at the grocery store? You know, the ones yelling threats at their kids and calling them names, as if this proves they’re on top of the whole child-rearing thing?
I feel angry and sad when I see this behavior. Sometimes I actually pray for those parents. I pray they would learn what respect is — and what it isn’t.
What comes to mind when you hear the word “respect?” A harsh father with a belt in his hand, demanding compliance? A drill sergeant barking orders?
Meriam-Websters dictionary defines respect this way:
“High or special regard; esteem.”
The best parenting involves respect for both parent and child.
I’ve observed at least four styles of parenting which are disrespectful to either the parent or the child, or both:
1. Authoritarian — the top-down, no-questions-asked style. This parent is all lips and no ears. He/she doesn’t listen to input from the children, and shows little empathy for their feelings.
Harsh tone, threats, disciplining in anger … these are unfortunate earmarks of this style.
2. Permissive — this parent, on the other hand, lets little Johnny or Susie rule the roost. He or she is most concerned with being liked by the children, and consistently gives in to their whims.
The sad outcome is that the children are spoiled (their character is rotted or ruined).
3. Intrusive — other wise known as “helicopter parenting,” these parents foil every opportunity for their child to grow up by doing their work for them.
They demand that teachers and even employers hand out good grades or scholarships or jobs to their kids.
The result? A socially, emotionally, psychologically stunted adult who doesn’t know how to fight his own battles or legitimately earn a reward.
4. Neglectful — When parents allow their children to roam freely without supervision and leave them to raise themselves, they are guilty of neglect.
To be clear, I’m not talking about letting your ten-year-old walk down to the park for a few minutes.
I’m talking about an ongoing pattern of paying scant attention to your children’s whereabouts and activities out of busyness, lack of concern, or poor priorities.
You don’t want to be an authoritarian, permissive, intrusive or neglectful parent.
So what’s the alternative?
I’d like to suggest a better parenting pattern. Some have called it authoritative, but to avoid confusion with the term “authoritarian,” let’s call it…
5. Respectful parenting, in which parent and child esteem one another highly.
That’s a paradox, right? It makes sense for children to be respectful, but what does it look like for a parent to respect a child?
Respect means you honor your child’s person-hood and dignity, even while you are disciplining them.
It means you repent and ask for their forgiveness when you have wronged them.
You take it seriously when they hear from God.
You are aware that, though your children are small, their spirits are not.
You realize that one day, you will stand before God as equals — and you’ll have to give an account to Almighty God as to how you stewarded the children he allowed you to raise.
Ephesians 6:1-4 provides a helpful framework:
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
The children obey and honor; the parents train and instruct without frustrating or wounding their children.
That’s how our heavenly Father treats us.
Let’s copy his style.
photo credit: ::: M @ X ::: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/71337499@N00/35902917713″>Mora</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>(license)</a>
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