Picture this: a boy snatches his sister’s doll away from her, slaps her face hard, breaks her doll into pieces, then lies to his parents about what happened.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
The girl weeps, devastated by this ill treatment. She loves her brother and did nothing to deserve this.
How should the parents respond?
Should Mom and Dad comfort their son, assuring him we all sin, his actions are forgivable, and they certainly won’t judge him for his actions?
Should they expect their daughter to forgive him with a happy heart, ignoring her pain because it might make their son feel bad?
That would be nuts, right?
Yet we do it all the time when Christian leaders tumble down off the pedestals on which we’ve placed them—most recently, Philip Yancey (though other examples abound).
Let’s show him grace, because he’s helped so many people. Let’s demonstrate humility and not judge him. Let’s keep in mind we’re all sinners, and all sins are equal in God’s eyes. Let’s realize that, apart from grace, any one of us could have done this.
Nonsense.
If the sin were murder, would we react the same way?
Here’s the thing: committing adultery for eight years can hardly be likened to a guy accidentally slipping on a random banana peel while minding his own business.
Even people who don’t know Christ are capable of keeping marriage vows. How much more doable is it for those of us who are new creations in Christ, inhabited by the Holy Spirit?
Our desire to come across graciously sends a terrible message:
Husbands, even if you’ve been faithful for decades, you’re likely to cheat at any moment. Wives, you can’t trust your husband, despite his long-term fidelity.
Such pessimistic theology does nothing to enhance marital trust—nor to build faith.
Humility does not require living in fear, as though we’re dancing on the edge of self-destruction every day. We can trust the power of God far more than that.
His grace empowers righteous living.
“For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age.” –Titus 2:11-13
Believers can live godly lives by means of grace, and Christian leaders carry a greater responsibility to do so. They will be judged more strictly (James 3:1). If they sin, they are to be publicly rebuked (1 Timothy 5:20).
Circling back to the parenting picture, the choice we face is not so much whether or not we will extend grace to someone who blew it.
No, the issue is we’re far too prone to comforting the boy and neglecting the girl.
We’ll pour out sympathy and understanding toward him, because, gosh, any of us could have slapped our sister in the face and ripped her doll to shreds—you never know when it might happen to you!
We ignore the fact that what happened, happened to her, not to him. He’s not the helpless victim in this picture. He made a choice. And his actions hurt her deeply.
(Not to mention, in Yancey’s case, another family suffers as well.)
Flattening grace to mere pity for perpetrators causes real harm.
So here’s the real question we face:
Will we show mercy and compassion only toward the man who committed adultery, and not his devastated spouse?
Will we gush concern over him as the favored, famous one while barely mentioning his betrayed, traumatized wife?
As we speak of grace and humility when a Christian leader falls, let’s make sure we share the Lord’s concern for the wounded.
It’s not perpetrators who deserve comfort and empathy—it’s the ones whose hearts they’ve broken.
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